This is a list of all the CRAZY-ASS things that spewed from his LOONY-ASS mouth on election night, 2004. Everyone will enjoy.
"Do you hear that knocking...President Bush's re-election is at the door."
"This race is hotter than the Devil's anvil."
"His lead is as thin as turnip soup."
"This race is humming along like Ray Charles."
"The presidential race is swinging like Count Basie."
"This race is hotter than a Times Square Rolex."
"Ohio becomes like a sauna for the two candidates. All they can do is wait and sweat."
"One's reminded of that old saying, 'Don't taunt the alligator until after you've crossed the creek.'"
"What Kerry needs at this point is the equivalent of Tom Brady coming off the bench to rescue him. But it's still too close to call."
"No question now that Kerry's rapidly reaching the point where he's got his back to the wall, his shirttails on fire and the bill collector's at the door."
"John Kerry needs something on the order of a 55 or 60-yard field goal to win this."
(To Joe Lockhart) "I know that you'd rather walk through a furnace in a gasoline suit than consider the possibility that John Kerry would lose Ohio."
(To Joe Lockhart) "What about Michigan? It's been out there for a long time. Is that making your fingernails sweat?"
"This presidential race has been crackling like a hickory fire for at least the last hour and a half."
"Let's see where it goes from here. Round and round it goes, where it stops nobody knows."
"We keep talking about Ohio if you've been tuning in and out or you put the baby to bed or you went to pop the cap on an adult, or otherwise, beverage..."
"We used to say if a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a handgun."
"No one is saying that George Bush is not going to win the election, and if you had to bet the double-wide, you'd have to bet that he'd win."
"In southern states they beat him like a rented mule."
"If you try to read the tea leaves before the cup is done you can get yourself burned."
"We need Billy Crystal to Analyze This"
"You know that old song, 'it's delightful, it's delicious, it's de-lovely' for President Bush in most areas of the country."
"We had a slight hitch in our giddy up, but we corrected that."
"In some ways, George Bush's lead is as thin as November ice."
"Put on a cup of coffee, this race isn't going to be over for a while."
"You look at the map and say it's all a big Bush victory. But this is one time when your Mother is right, looks can be deceiving."
"John Kerry's moon has just moved behind a cloud, as far as Florida is concerned."
On Kerry's chances: "To use a metaphor, he's gotta draw to an inside straight. But hey, sometimes you get lucky and hit that straight."
"Is it like a swan, with every feather above the water settled, but under the water paddling like crazy?"
"What you have here is the football equivalent of a fourth quarter rally by Kerry."
The election is "closer than Lassie and Timmy"
"Keep in mind they are teetotally meetmortally convinced they have Ohio won."
"Vice President Dick Cheney would not have flown all the way out there (Hawaii) overnight and put that lei around his neck and sort of hula-danced, if you will, unless he thought there was a chance of carrying that out there."
"President Bush smiling there with his family. He's laid down aces so far."
"You can almost hear the GOP (deep breathing sound). We're getting within maybe smelling distance."
"We don't know what to do. We don't know whether to wind a watch or bark at the moon."
On how the results are affecting strategists: "It's one reason so many of them drink a lot."
Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), on being congratulated on victory by Rather: "Thanks Dan, I always believe you." Rather: "Now, ladies and gentleman, if you believe that, you'll believe rocks can grow."